Europa si rezultatele CT/ Europe and CT scan results

Journal Entry by Cristina Sarlea — January 15, 2024

Am auns vinerea inapoi acasa in America, am mers duminica la biserica sa ma intalnesc cu fratii mei dragi si lunea am zburat catre Europa sa ma intalnesc cu Dl. Marius Vaduva, nutritionistul de care v-am mai scris. De  data sata , insa, nu am mai plecat singura, am luat-o cu mine si pe Anna. Plecata fiind in Japonia, legatura dintre mine si ea s-a racit cumva, nu mai aveam povesti impreuna si am stiut ca ne yrebuie un timp sa ne reconectam una cu cealalta. O familie scumpa noua ne-a luat 2 nopti la hotel in Paris si asa, eu cu Anna am putut sa petrecem un timp binecuvantat impreuna. Parisul a fost iubirea Annei cat ea a fost copil si acum trecuta la adolescenta am avut ocazia ca noi doua , impreuna cu Gigi ( usuletul ei de cand a fost bebelus) sa vizitam orasul visurilor ei copilaresti.  Maria, o doamna tare draga noua, ne-a fost ghid  si cu ea am vazut Parisul seara, Anna a avut cea mai delicioasa ciocolata calda si eu m-am minunat de frumuseatea orasului.

Zilele au trecut repede si am zburat in Bucuresti. Am ajuns de dimineata la clinica domnului Vaduva si pe mine m-a consultat prima. M-a intrebat ce prognostic am primit din America si i-am spus ca 6-12 luni. S-a uitat lung la mine si m-a intrebat: " Si cu cate luni in urma ti-au spus asta?" Era o matematica usoara, aproximativ 3 luni in urma, el de fapt vroia sa imi spuna ca am pierdut cateva luni si ca am ajuns cumva prea tarziu la el. Am citit asta in privirea lui si in linistea aceea apasatoare intre intrebarea lui si raspunsul meu, mi-am intreptat spatele in scaunul pe care sedeam si i-am spus ca am calatorit atata drum cu un copil dupa mine ca sa pot sa vin sa il vad fata in fata, ca inca am energie in trupul meu si am vointa de a lupta, ca zilele mele sunt hotarate de Dumnezeu si ceea ce am nevoie este ce el sa imi spuna ce am de facut si eu o sa fac.  Cand m-a vazut plina de optimism, a zis " Doamne ajuta" si am continuat consultatia. Am plecat de la el cu foarte multe tincturi si suplimente si am mers sa imi vizitez familia.  Oh, nu am apucat sa va zic, noi am ajuns seara tarziu in Bucuresti si imi era groaza de a lua un taxi la o ora asa tarzie, dar Domnul s-a ingrijit si de acest detaliu si mi-a scos inainte un " inger", un om cu frica de Dumnezeu, fratele unui om drag din biserica noastra locala, care ne-a dus pana la hotel. Tot astfel ne-a pregatit on masina sa ajungem si la Brasov, apoi la Blaj si inapoi la Bucuresti, si toate drumurile astea in 4 zile. Dupa multe zile in care am facut multa foame sau in care am mancat si ce nu e ok ca nu era altceva, am ajund la Brasov si sora mea m-a asteptat cu ciorba de hrisca si linte scazute. Hmm, ce mancare buna pentru un om flamand! in seara de dinainte sa mergem la Blaj, in Brasov, a nins, o zapada pufoasa ce s-a asezat cu toata greutatea ei pe crengile golite de frunze ale copacilor. Padurea Bogata, prin am  trecut de nenumarate randuri pe vremea cand am locuit la Brasov, atunci, in acea zi de iarna, a fost cea mai frumoasa! Vantul nu a apucat sa vina sa spulbere zapada de pe crengi si frumusetea naturii m-a coplesit inca o data. Modul in care Dumnezeu imi arata cat ma iubeste dandu-mi peisaje de poveste, m-a emotionat pana la lacrimi! De ce Doamne ma rasfeti cu atat de multe lucruri si experiente frumoase? este pentru ultima data? nu puteam sa nu ma gandesc ca ar putea fi pentru ultima data...

Am ajuns la casa parinteasca si acolo , din nou am fost asteptata cu mancare ce era conform dietei mele, fasole scazuta, una dintre favoritele mele mancaruri.  Am avut un timp pretios cu parintii mei si fratele si sora mea, cu parintii si familia lui Dani, m-am bucurat sa vad si pe tusa Marioara si pe Emil. Ce a fost cel mai greu la Blaj? Momentul cand a trebuit sa plecam...stiu ca fiecare ne-am gandit la acelasi lucru dar nimeni nu a putut rosti cuvintele " o sa ne mai revedem?", in schimb am plans ,si am plecat. 

Experienta de cateva zile in Europa , plimbarile prin  Paris si Romania unde toata lumea fumeaza pe strada, mi-au ingrenunat mult respiratia. Simteam nevoia de aer curat.

Am ajuns inapoi in Texas, obosita de atatea drumuri, eram gata sa ma bucur din nou de casa mea, de locurile cunoscute mie, sa ma joc cu copiii seara si sa stam la povesti, sa ma  reconestez cu oamenii pe care nu i-am mai vazut de mult. Toata lumea se pregatea de Craciun, dar pentru mine parca era inca Octombrie, eram gata sa reiau totul de unde le-am lasat cand am plecat in Japonia, dar timpul trecuse,  e o senzatie  tare ciudata sa simti ca timpul a trecut si eu am fost absenta. 

Luna decembrie a trecut asteptand scanarea CT pe la 26 decembrie, am incercat sa revin la activitatile mele nosmale sa fac viata sa intre din nou in fagasul ei normal, dar normalul de acum era diferit de cel de alta data. Cei din jurul meu se purtau cu mine de parca as fi fost pe portelan, cunoscutii evitau sa poarte discutii cu mine ca nu stiau ce sa imi spuna, din prea multa grija facuta din dragoste, stiu asta, eu m-am simtit izolata, izolata ca sa nu fiu deranjata, izolata ca sa fiu protejata....au trecut cateva saptamani pana sa imi deschid gura si sa ripostez la tratamentul de printesa ce mi se oferea.  Lucrurile ce au depins de mine sa le schimb le-am schimbat ca sa ma simt din nou un om ca oricare, iar celelalte lucruri le-am lasat cum sunt si le-am acceptat ca atare, ca nu depindeau de mine. Numai cine trece printr-o experienta asemanatoare intelege izolatia despre care va scriu. 

Domnul a adus ziua de CT si apoi ziua de consult cu Dr D pe 2 ianuarie.  Cu toii aveam emoti in ce rezultate o sa ne dea medicul. Inainte sa plec cu Dani la medic, ne-am strand cu copiii in sufragerie si Paul m-a intrebat cum e sufletul meu , ce imi spune cu privire la rezultate, De multe ori Dumnezeu imi pregateste sufletul pentru ce urmeaza. De data aceasta, aveam multa pace in inima si le ziceam alor mei ca ma astept sa imi spuna ca totul e bine dar ca nu o sa stie de ce am dureri de ficat...( cu cetava saptamani in urma m-am fost luat o trambulina mica pe care sa fac miscare, si am exersat , cred prea intesnd si asta mi-a cauzat multe dureri si durerile era inca acolo, destul de persistente).

Dr. D a intrat in camera de consult si ne-a salutat, dupa care a zambit putin si a zis " Esti bine! Cancerul nu a crescut deloc! Stia ca am fost in Japonia dar nu a vrut sa stie prea multe despre asta, era cu asistenta ei acolo, si fiecare cuvant era pus in computer. Mi-am dat seama ca nu avem libertatea de a comunica si m-am rezumat la lucruri generale. Nu a stiut sa imi spuna de ce am dureri in zona ficatului, a veficicat imaginile de Ct si nu ii arata nimic care sa ingrijoreze, ceva ce ar fi putut sa imi cauzeze dureri. Deci am rasmas la concluzia ca nu a fost inteleapta miscarea facuta pe trambulina.  I-am impartsit experienta avuta cu medicul meu ginecolog cu cateva saptamani in urma. Am fost la consult sa vedem cand ar fi cel mai bine sa am o histerectomie totala ( caci fibroanele prezente cauzeaza sangerari grele si nu ma ajuta pe mine care deja ma lupt cu anemia).  Ginecologul, cu un zambet fortat ce se vroia a fi un zambet de compasiune, mi-a spus ca in loc sa petrec cateva saptamani sa ma recuperez dupa operatie, mai bine sa petrec acele saptamani cu familia mea. Si l-am intrebat ca, daca, ca printr-o minune o sa ma simt bine, ar face operatia? Cu acelasi zambet, mi-a zis ca trebuie sa fiu realista, cancerul triplu negativ nu are cura... Cand Dr. D a auzit experienta mea, m-a consolat spunand ca e mai bine asa, poate acel medic nu ar fi stiut cum sa ma opereze si ea o sa imi caute un chirurg ce stie sa lucreze cu pacienti oncologici ca mine.  Am pus problema asta in mana Domnului, la timpul potrivit El va scoata la iveala si medicul potrivit. 

Am plecat catre casa uimiti de minunea pe care Domnul o lucra in trupul meu. Un cancer ce se dubleaza la 3-4 saptmani sa nu fi  crescut in 4 luni de zile? Numai Dumnezeu poate face o astfel de minune! Toata slava e numai a Lui!  Dumnezeu a ascultat rugaciunile multor oameni ce au pledat pentru sanatatea mea si unii stau in post si rugaciune, daca esti unul dintre acesti oameni, vreau sa iti spun, Dumnezeu iti asculta rugaciunile, ruga ta a ajuns la tronul Lui de har. Sunt recunoscatoare pentru toti cei ce inca ne sustin, uneori oemanii spun ca nu pot ajuta cu altceva ci numai cu rugaciuni. Numai cu rugaciuni? Rugaciunile nu sunt "numai", ele sunt cea mai puternica arma pe care noi ca si crestini o avem  si cele mai crunte batalii se castiga pe genunchi. Ce Tata minunat avem, eu i-am simtit dragostea in ultimele luni cat nu am simtit-o in toti anii mei ce se apropie de 46. Fie ca si tu sa ii simti dragostea si sa te lasi  protejat si calauzit de El in acest nou an.

English

I went back home to America on Friday, I went to church on Sunday to meet my dear brothers and on Monday I flew to Europe to meet Mr. Marius Vaduva, the nutritionist I wrote about before. For the first time, however, I didn't go alone anymore, I took Anna with me. Having gone to Japan, the relationship between me and her cooled somehow, we no longer had stories together and I knew that we would need some time to reconnect with each other. A dear new family took us for 2 nights at a hotel in Paris and so Anna and I were able to spend a blessed time together. Paris was Anna's love when she was a child, and now that she is a teenager, we had the opportunity to visit the city of her childhood dreams, together with Gigi (her little girl since she was a baby). Maria, a very dear lady, was our guide and with her we saw Paris in the evening, Anna had the most delicious hot chocolate and I marveled at the beauty of the city.

The days passed quickly and I flew to Bucharest. I arrived at Mr. Vaduva's clinic in the morning and he consulted me first. He asked me what prognosis I received from America and I told him 6-12 months. He looked at me for a long time and asked me: "And how many months ago did they tell you this?" It was easy math, about 3 months ago, he actually wanted to tell me that I lost a few months and that somehow I got to him too late. I read this in his look and in that oppressive silence between his question and my answer, I arched my back in the chair I was sitting on and told him that I had traveled this far with a child behind me so that I could come to him I see face to face, that I still have energy in my body and I have the will to fight, that my days are decided by God and what I need is for him to tell me what to do and I will do it. When she saw me full of optimism, she said "God help" and I continued the consultation. I left him with a lot of tinctures and supplements and went to visit my family. Oh, I didn't have time to tell you, we arrived late in the evening in Bucharest and I was afraid to take a taxi at such a late hour, but the Lord took care of this detail and brought an "angel" ahead of me. a God-fearing man, the brother of a dear man from our local church, who took us to the hotel. He also prepared the car for us to reach Brasov, then Blaj and back to Bucharest, and all these roads in 4 days. After many days in which I was very hungry or in which I ate and what is not ok because there was nothing else, I arrived in Brasov and my sister was waiting for me with buckwheat and low lentil soup. Hmm, what good food for a hungry man! the evening before we were to go to Blaj, in Brasov, it snowed, a fluffy snow that settled with all its weight on the branches of the trees empty of leaves. Padurea Bogata, through which I passed countless times when I lived in Brasov, then, on that winter day, it was the most beautiful! The wind didn't have time to blow the snow off the branches and the beauty of nature overwhelmed me once again. The way God shows me how much he loves me by giving me fairytale landscapes, moved me to tears! Why, God, do you spoil me with so many beautiful things and experiences? is it for the last time I couldn't help but think that it could be the last time...

I arrived at my parents' house and there, again, I was awaited with food that was in accordance with my diet, low beans, one of my favorite foods. I had a precious time with my parents and my brother and sister, with Dani's parents and family, I was happy to see Marioara and Emil too. What was the hardest thing at Blaj? The moment when we had to leave...I know that we all thought the same thing, but no one could say the words "will we see each other again?", instead we cried and left.

The experience of a few days in Europe, the walks through Paris and Romania where everyone smokes on the street, made my breathing very difficult. I felt the need for fresh air.

I arrived back in Texas, tired from so many roads, I was ready to enjoy my home again, the places I know, to play with the children in the evening and sit for stories, to reacquaint myself with the people I don't have seen for a long time. Everyone was preparing for Christmas, but for me it seemed like it was still October, I was ready to pick up where I left off when I left for Japan, but time had passed, it's a very strange feeling to feel that time has passed and I was absence.

The month of December passed waiting for the CT scan on December 26, I tried to return to my normal activities to make life go back to its normal phase, but the normal now was different from the other time. Those around me treated me as if I were on porcelain, acquaintances avoided having discussions with me because they didn't know what to say to me, because of too much care done out of love, I know this, I felt isolated, isolated so as not to be disturbed, isolated so as to be protected.... several weeks passed before I opened my mouth and responded to the princess treatment that was being offered to me. I changed the things that depended on me to change so that I could feel like a human again, and the other things I left as they are and accepted them as such, because they did not depend on me. Only those who go through a similar experience understand the isolation I'm writing about.

The Lord brought the CT day and then the consultation day with Dr. D on January 2. We all had emotions about what results the doctor would give us. Before leaving with Dani to the doctor, we sat with the children in the living room and Paul asked me how my soul is, what he tells me about the results, God often prepares my soul for what is to come. This time, I had a lot of peace in my heart and I was telling my family that I expect them to tell me that everything is fine but that they won't know why I have liver pain... (a few weeks ago I was taken a small trampoline to move on, and I practiced, I think stretching too much and that caused me a lot of pain and the pain was still there, quite persistent).

Dr. D came into the consulting room and greeted us, then he smiled a little and said "You're fine! The cancer hasn't grown at all! He knew we were in Japan but he didn't want to know too much about it, she was there with her assistant, and every word was entered into the computer. I realized that we don't have the freedom to communicate and I reduced myself to general things. She couldn't tell me why I have pain in the area of the liver, I checked the CT images and it doesn't show anything to worry about, something that could have caused me pain. So I came to the conclusion that the movement on the trampoline was not wise. I shared my experience with my gynecologist with a few weeks ago. We went to the consultation to see when it would be best to have a total hysterectomy (because the fibroids present cause heavy bleeding and do not help me, who is already struggling with anemia). The gynecologist, with a forced smile he wanted to be a smile of compassion, he told me that instead of spending a few weeks recovering after the operation, it's better to spend those weeks with my family. And I asked him that, if by some miracle I would feel better, would he do the operation? With the same smile, he told me that I had to be realistic, triple negative cancer has no cure... When Dr. D heard my experience, he consoled me saying that it was better that way, maybe that doctor wouldn't have known how to she is operating on me and she will find me a surgeon who knows how to work with oncological patients like me. I put this problem in God's hands, at the right time He will reveal the right doctor.

I left for the house amazed by the miracle that the Lord was working in my body. A cancer that doubles in 3-4 weeks not to have grown in 4 months? Only God can do such a miracle! All the glory is His alone! God listened to the prayers of many people who pleaded for my health and some are fasting and praying, if you are one of these people, I want to tell you, God listens to your prayers, your prayer has reached His throne of grace. I am grateful for all those who still support us, sometimes people say that they cannot help with anything but prayers. Only with prayers? Prayers are not "only", they are the most powerful weapon that we as Christians have and the cruelest battles are won on our knees. What a wonderful Father we have, I have felt his love in the last months as I have not felt it in all my years approaching 46. May you also feel his love and let yourself be protected and guided by him in this new year.