Cum am ajuns aici- prima parte How I got here - the first part

Journal Entry by Cristina Sarlea — October 13, 2023

Cand ne pregatim de o noua calatorie, ne pregatim, planificam, facem itinerarii si pe cat se apropie data plecarii, pe atat suntem mai nerabdatori sa vedem ce experimente frumoase o sa avem in noua calatorie.  Nu asa este si cu calatoriile ce Dumnezeu le aduce si le ingaduie in vietile noastre. Ele vin pe nepregatite, fara programare si ne iau pe neasteptate. CS Lewis ilustreaza in Narnia cum acesti copii ce isi traiesc viata de zi cu zi sunt luati instantaneu intr-o noua calatorie, fara sa fie intrebati daca vor sau nu sa mearga, sunt luati, transpusi pe taramul Narnia unde au sa invete lectii si sa aiba oportunitatea de a face o diferenta in viata celor cu care sunt pusi in contact. Cam asa este si in viata noastra. Ne traim viata ca si cum sanatatea si relatiile sunt intelege de la sine, pana cand ne trezim deviati de la "normal", pe un drum necunoscut. Nu ne intreaba nimeni daca vrem sau nu sa mergem pe-acolo, si trebuie sa invatam sa traim intr-o realitate cu totul diferita de aceea cu care eram obisnuiti. La inceput pare ca un vis din care poate o sa ne trezim, dar pe cat trec zilele vedem ca de fapt e noua realitate , drumul nou pe care il avem de parcurs. 

In 2019 a fost pentru prima data cand am simtit un chist in san, m-am speriat, si am mers la medic. Chisturile sunt bazare pe dereglari hormonale si cum am inceput sa am tot mai multe chisturi am cautat ajutor la un medic ce prescria hormoni naturali ca sa incercam sa ajutam corpul sa se regleze. Tratamentul a lucrat bine si m-am bucurat ca nu a fost cancer. Pentru femeile ce citesc si poate se sperie, chisturile hormonale sunt cu lichid, desi dureroase, ele nu sunt periculoase. In toamna anului trecut am simtit din nou un "chist" care era putin diferit decat cum stiam eu ca ar trebui sa fie.  Am mers la medic, am avut un MRI si o sonograma facuta, au gasit 1 masa in sanul stand si 3 mase in cel drept. Am sugerat atunci medicului meu de familie sa imi gaseasca un medic care sa faca masectomie dubla ca sa evitam eventuale probleme mai mari, ca preventie pentru un posibil cancer.Mi-a raspuns ca teama de cancer este doar in capul meu, ca eu de fapt sunt bine si nu am de ce sa ma tem. Mi-a recomandat o alta sonograma in 6 luni si am mers dupe 3 luni. Am platit pt scanare , ca asigurarea nu acoperea si mi-au facut un examen superficial si in raport au mentionat ca nu sunt modificari semnificative. Din punct de vedere al statisticilor medicale nu aveam varsta critica in care cancerul este comun asa ca nu am gasit medic care sa fie pro-activ in a face ceva inainte sa fie tarziu...Tot in toamna anului trecut, poate din multimea gandurilor, am avut un vis in care se facea ca eram la medic si mi-a spus ca am cancer dar e prea tarziu, si in visul meu m-am suparta pe medic spunandu-i ca eu am tot insitat si ei nu m-au luat in seama , iar acum imi spune ca e prea tarziu? A fost doar un vis...

Am trecut in noul an, in 2023 si cu fiecare nou an vin  si rezolutiile. La inceput de nou an , l-am rugat pe Dumnezeu ca in acest nou an sa ma faca va vad cu ochii mei minunile Lui. Anna, fetita noastra de 12 ani, de la 3 ani sufera de inflamatii la incheieturi ( rezultat al vaccinurilor de la 2 ani) si la ea ma gandeam cand am cerut Domnului sa imi arate minunile Lui pe care le pot vedea cu ochii mei. El a deschis usa catre un medic in Idaho ce a ajutat-o pe Anna foarte mult si starea sanatatii ei s-a imbunatatit mult. Il slavesc pe El pentru modul minunat in care lucreaza si aduce vindecare. Anna nu e 100% bine dar Domnul continua sa lucreze si eu ii multumesc!

Lunile au trecut si dupa inca 6 luni am mers din nou la sonograma. De data aceasta, una din masele ce in toamna a fost de 6mm a ajuns sa fie de 2.4cm. Si atunci m-au trimis sa fac biopsie...am stiut ca nu e bine. Unde sa merg acum? Medicul meu de familie niciodata nu m-a luat in serios si intotdeauna referintele lui catre specialisti dureaza foarte mult. Simteam in mine ca nu e timp de asteptat. Asa ca mi-am facut programare la coafor ( sunt femeie, in cazul meu, cand sunt ingrijorata, merge sa imi aranjez parul :) ), la buna mea prietena ce trecuse printr-o operatie ,si ea care stie atat de multa lume datorita serviciului ce il are, poate stie sa imi recomande un medic la care sa merg. Ajung la ea ,si ca niciodata, de data asta m-a programat impreuna cu o alta clienta, ii punea vospseaua cand am ajuns eu. Si in mintea mea mi-am zis, ce s-a intamplat cu Lumi ca a facut programare dubla? Clienta impreuna cu care m-a programat a avut cancer si ea mi-a recomndat un medic folosit de ea, un medic  de care a fost foarte multumita. Era singura referinta ce o aveam si asa am sunat la Dr, O care avea specialitatea in oncologie. Am aflat mai tarziu ca Dr O este un medic cu renume mondial in domeniul ei. Cand sun pentru programare, asistenta imi spune ca Dr. O nu face biopsie, dar au pe cineva foarte bun in spital si asa am ajuns la Dr D, chirugul oncologist. Am facut programarea pentru biopsie pe 21 Iulie si mi-am vazut de viata. Incepusem sa imi fie greata de mancaruri, corpul respingea carnea si imi cerea verdeturi si ceapa si salate. 

Eu din martie am fost inceput sa ma simt foarte obosita si din aprilie au inceput durerile de spate ce imi amorteau pana si mintea. O oboseala ce nu am mai fost experimentat inainte. Eram implicata mult in lucrarea cu copiii si energia mea era tot mai limitata, trebuia sa beau multa cafea sa pot face fata la implicarea mea in biserica. Oboseala mea nu era luata in serios, toata lumea e obosita, ce este asa mare lucru sa fi obosit cand oboseala este ceva normal pentru fiecare? Oboseala mea fizica a devenit apoi o oboseala mentala si apoi o oboseala spirituala, am perceput-o ca pe o depresie si nu stiam cum sa ma ajut. In iunie am inceput un grup de rugaciune cu surorile de la biserica, caci eu aveam nevoie de un grup de suport sa ma ajute cu starea in care eram si din care nu stiam cu sa mai ies. Simteam ca imi trebuie o vacanta, singura, doar eu cu Domnul meu. L-am servit pe El implicandu-ma in biserica si m-am trezit parca goala pe dinauntru, aveam nevoia de El, sa imi umple fiinta cu prezenta Lui, sufletul meu tanjea dupa El si parca nu stiam unde si cum sa il gasesc....

Baietii mei urmau sa plece in Iulie in California cu masina si pentru ca eram disperata dupa o pauza, o vacanta, am decis sa urc si eu cu Anna in masina lor si sa mergem pentru cateva zile in California.  Il cautam pe Dumnezeu si tajeam sa ii simt prezenta intr-un mod deosebit. Asteptam cu nerabdare sa merg la biserica, la Agape OC. Aceasta biserica este foarte speciala pentru mine, a fost locul unde ,cu cativa ani in urma, ne-am legat si vindecat ranile sufletesti, un loc de repaus , un loc in care Dumnezeu ne-a dat o noua viziune. Am mers inapoi rugandu-ma ca Domnul sa mi se redescopere, sa ma umple cu prezenta Lui. 

Am petrecut cateva zile foarte frumoase impreuna cu  dragi prieteni, am avut parte de o plimbare superba pe ocean( oceanul este locul meu preferat de relaxare). A venit mult asteptata duminica, cu sinceritate i-am cerut Domnului sa imi vorbeasca si cel rau a venit cu descurajarea specifica lui..." dar ce crezi tu ca Dumnezeu lucreaza la  comanda?, programat?, trebuie sa mergi cateva duminici, da de in vreuna din ele iti va vorbi, nu iti ajunge doar o duminica". Impotriva descurajarii am mers cu sperata in sufletul meu. Dimineata, mesajul a fost pentru mine, dar o aveam pe Anna langa mine si a trebuit sa imi controlez bine emotiile, cand sunt emotiva, Anna se sperie ca ceva ar fi rau, si cum urma sa am biopsia in urmatoarea vineri, am incercat sa ma port cat mai natural sa o protejez pe Anna. Seara in schimb, Anna a ramas la rude si am mers la biserica cu baietii. Intre timp, Dani il sunase pe fratele Sandu sa il roage sa faca o rugaciune pentru mine si planul era ca dupa biserica, impreuna cu fratele Crini sa imi faca ungerea si sa se roage pentru mine.  Mesajul de seara a fost despre Ioan botezatorul in inchisoare. El care l-a slujit cu credinciosie pe Christos si i-a pregatit calea, el era acum in depresie si ii trimite pe ucenici sa il intrebe  pe Isus daca El este Mesia cel asteptat. Chiar si Ioan a trecut printr-o vale spirituala. M-am regasit in acel mesaj ca si cum m-as fi uitat intr-o oglinda. Si eu l-am slujit pe Domnul meu cum am stiut eu mai bine, am incercat la fiecare pas sa ii fiu ascultatoare si sa fac fiecare lucru asa cum am primit calauzire de la El, dar acum eram slaba, deprimata, extenuata spiritual si fizic. Lacrimile curgeau constant tot timpul mesajului si spre sfarsitul predicii, Crini a cheamat in fata pe cei ce au nevoie de rugaciune. Dar deja era programata rugaciunea pentru dupa ce se termina sericiul, de ce acum Crini ma cheama sa merg in fata? Inauntrul meu am fost cumva indignata pentru cateva secunde ca apoi sa imi vina in gand..."nu Crini te cheama in fata, Eu te chem! Esti gata sa iti calci pe orice farama de orgoliu si sa pasesti in fata? toata lumea o sa vada ca da, tu, sotie de pastor, ai nevoie de rugaciune! esti gata sa renunti la orgoliul tau pentru Mine?" Asta e! Atunci am inteles. Domnul vrea sa renunt la tot pentru El! m-am luat si am mers in fata, nu am stiut daca sa stau in picioare sau in genunchi, orgoliul parca ar fi vrut sa ma tina in picioare dar deja am ajuns in fata, e evident pentru toti acum ca si eu am probleme si nevoie de rugaciune, ce e asa mare lucru sa ingenunchiez...si am ingenunchiat. Nu stiu cine s-a rugat pentru mine si nici nu a mai contat, acolo pe genunchi, in fata bisericii, eu am renuntat la tot pentru Christos si El mi-a dat eliberarea de care aveam nevoie, acolo pe genunchi, m-am reintalnit cu Domnul meu pe care il iubeam asa de mult, l-am cautat si El s-a lasat gasit si m-a umplut de prezenta Lui , Sufletul meu zbuciumat a regasit desfatarea in Domnul! Cat de minunat!

M-am intors acasa alt om, gata sa infrunt orice Dumnezeu v-a lasa in viata mea, acum eram in Mana Lui, nu mai aveam frica sau neliniste in mine, deja am primit tot ce aveam nevoie ca sa mut muntii, l-am primit pe El si plinatatea prezentei Lui in mine. ........

English

When we prepare for a new trip, we prepare, plan, and make itineraries, and as the departure date approaches, we are more impatient to see what beautiful experiences we will have in the new trip. This is not the case with the journeys that God brings and allows in our lives. They come unprepared, unscheduled, and take us by surprise. CS Lewis illustrates in Narnia how these children who live their everyday lives are instantly taken on a new journey, without being asked if they want to go or not, they are taken, transferred to the land of Narnia where they have to learn lessons, and have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of those with whom they are put in contact. It's like that in our life. We live our lives as if health and relationships are taken for granted, until we find ourselves deviating from "normal", on an unknown road. No one asks us if we want to go there or not, and we have to learn to live in a completely different reality than the one we were used to. At first, it seems like a dream from which we may wake up, but as the days pass we see that it is actually the new reality, the new road we have to travel.

In 2019, it was the first time I felt a cyst in my breast, I got scared, and I went to the doctor. Cysts are based on hormonal irregularities and as I started to have more and more cysts I sought help from a doctor who prescribed natural hormones to try to help the body regulate itself. The treatment worked well and I was happy that it was not cancer. For women who read and may be scared, hormonal cysts are fluid, although painful, they are not dangerous. Last fall, I felt a "cyst" again that was a little different than what I knew it should be. I went to the doctor, I had an MRI and a sonogram done, they found 1 mass in the standing breast and 3 masses in the right one. I then suggested to my family doctor to find me a doctor who would do a double mastectomy to avoid possible bigger problems, as prevention for possible cancer. He replied that the fear of cancer is only in my head, that I actually am fine and I have nothing to fear. He recommended another sonogram in 6 months and I went after 3 months. I paid for the scan, as the insurance did not cover it and they did a superficial examination in the report they mentioned that there were no significant changes. From the point of view of medical statistics, I was not at the critical age when cancer is common, so I did not find a doctor who was proactive in doing something before it was too late...Also in the fall of last year, perhaps from the multitude of thoughts, I had a dream in which I pretended I was at the doctor and he told me I had cancer but it was too late, and in my dream, I was upset with the doctor telling him that I kept insisting and they didn't take me in mind, and now he tells me it's too late? It was just a dream...

We have entered the new year, in 2023, and with each new year come resolutions. At the beginning of the new year, I asked God that in this new year, he would make me see his miracles with my own eyes. Anna, our 12-year-old girl, has been suffering from inflammation in her wrists since she was 3 years old (result of vaccinations since she was 2 years old) and I was thinking of her when I asked God to show me His miracles that I can see with my own eyes. He opened the door to a doctor in Idaho who helped Anna a lot and her health improved a lot. I praise Him for the wonderful way He works and brings healing. Anna is not 100% well but the Lord continues to work and I thank him!

The months passed and after another 6 months, I went to the sonogram again. This time, one of the masses that in the fall was 6mm ended up being 2.4cm. And then they sent me to do a biopsy... I knew it wasn't good. Where do I go now? My family doctor never took me seriously and his referrals to specialists always take a long time. I felt inside that there was no time to wait. So I made an appointment at the hairdresser (I'm a woman, in my case, when I'm worried, I go to fix my hair :) ), at my good friend who had gone through an operation, and she knows so many people thanks to with the service he has, maybe he can recommend a doctor for me to go to. I arrived at her place, and like never before, this time she scheduled me together with another client, she was applying the polish when I arrived. And in my mind, I said to myself, what happened to Lumi that he did double programming? The client with whom she scheduled me had cancer and she recommended me a doctor she used, a doctor with whom she was very satisfied. It was the only reference I had, so I called Dr. O, who specialized in oncology. I found out later that Dr. O is a world-renowned doctor in her field. When I call for an appointment, the nurse tells me that Dr. O does not do biopsies, but they have someone very good at the hospital and that's how I ended up with Dr. D, the oncologist. I made the appointment for the biopsy on July 21 and saw my life. I was starting to get sick of food, my body was rejecting meat and asking me for greens, onions, and salads.

From March I started to feel very tired and from April the back pains started to numb even my mind. Fatigue that I have never experienced before. I was involved a lot in the work with the children and my energy was increasingly limited, I had to drink a lot of coffee to be able to cope with my involvement in the church. My tiredness was not taken seriously, everyone is tired, what's so big about being tired when tiredness is something normal for everyone? My physical fatigue then became a mental fatigue and then a spiritual fatigue, I perceived it as depression and I didn't know how to help myself. In June, I started a prayer group with the sisters from the church, because I needed a support group to help me with the state I was in and from which I didn't know how to get out. I felt that I needed a vacation, alone, just me with my Lord. I served Him by getting involved in the church and I woke up empty inside, I needed Him, to fill my being with His presence, my soul longed for Him and it was as if I didn't know where and how to find Him. ...

My boys were going to go to California by car in July and because I was desperate for a break, a vacation, I decided to get in their car with Anna and go to California for a few days. I was looking for God and longing to feel his presence in a special way. I was looking forward to going to church, to Agape OC. This church is very special to me, it was the place where, a few years ago, we bound and healed our soul wounds, a place of rest, a place where God gave us a new vision. I went back praying for the Lord to rediscover himself, to fill me with his presence.

I spent some very nice days together with dear friends, I had a wonderful walk on the ocean (the ocean is my favorite place to relax). The long-awaited Sunday came, I sincerely asked the Lord to speak to me and the evil one came with his specific discouragement..." but what do you think that God works on order?, scheduled?, you have to go a few Sundays, yes from one of them he will speak to you, just one Sunday is not enough for you". Against discouragement, I went with hope in my soul. In the morning, the message was for me, but I had Anna by my side and I had to control my emotions well, when I'm emotional, Anna gets scared that something is wrong, and since I was going to have a biopsy the following Friday, I tried to I behave as naturally as possible to protect Anna. In the evening instead, Anna stayed with her relatives and I went to church with the boys. Meanwhile, Dani had called Brother Sandu to ask him to pray for me and the plan was that after church, together with Brother Crini, he would anoint me and pray for me. The evening message was about John the Baptist in prison. He who faithfully served Christ and prepared the way for him, he was now depressed and sent his disciples to ask Jesus if He was the awaited Messiah. Even John went through a spiritual valley. I found myself in that message as if I had looked in a mirror. And I served my Lord as I knew best, I tried every step of the way to be obedient and do everything as I received guidance from Him, but now I was weak, depressed, and spiritually, and physically exhausted. Tears flowed constantly during the message and towards the end of the sermon, Crini called forward those who needed prayer. But the prayer was already scheduled for after the series ends, why is Crini now calling me to go to the front? Inside I was somehow indignant for a few seconds and then it occurred to me..." Not Crini is calling you in front, I am calling you! Are you ready to step on any pride and step in front? everyone to see that yes, you, the pastor's wife, need prayer! Are you ready to give up your pride for Me?" That's it! Then I understood. The Lord wants me to give up everything for Him! I picked myself up and went to the front, I didn't know whether to stand or kneel, the pride seemed to want to keep me standing but I already reached the front, it was obvious to everyone now that I also had problems and I need prayer, what's so big about kneeling...and I knelt. I don't know who prayed for me and it didn't even matter, there on my knees, in front of the church, I gave up everything for Christ and He gave me the release I needed, there on my knees, I met again with My Lord whom I loved so much, I looked for Him and He allowed Himself to be found and filled me with His presence, my troubled soul found joy in the Lord! How wonderful!

I returned home a different person, ready to face whatever God put in my life, now I was in His Hand, I no longer had fear or anxiety in me, I already received everything I needed to move mountains, I received it on Him and the fullness of His presence in me. ........